That feeling.

Have you ever read a book where a character is introduced into this new world or part of life? And after some time and maybe some epic quest, they have that moment where they finally feel like this new place is home and that they’re accepted. Now they just have this great feeling.

That feeling.

A feeling of belonging and a sense of knowing this is where you can be without feeling like an intruder. But what happens when you’re in a place and you don’t get that feeling when you’re supposed to? Such as being uncomfortable in your own skin. Maybe uncomfortable in your thoughts and emotions.

I know others feel like this. They must. I can’t be alone here. What happens when you’re with a group of people, maybe your best friends from school or your family and you feel…detached from the group as a whole. Not in that sense like you’re elsewhere in your mind zoning out. No, like…you’re the wrong puzzle piece.

Maybe someone new has been introduced to the group. Like a new sibling. Or a new kid in school. Then suddenly, they were added and now you’re not in place.  Heck, you lost your place entirely.

What if there is no sense of belonging? Even if no one ever meant to make you feel that way and I pray no one ever does something like that to you on purpose. But what if they do it? But no one catches it. Even for a little while. They’re elsewhere with the people you used to be with. Now, you’re not.

Maybe you’re okay with that. But maybe it wounds you in a way that no one can see it. It cuts deep without ever leaving a trace. The pain is raw and true but it’s not there. Nothing physically damaging. And that’s all people seem to see.

How do you get that feeling back of belonging? How did you ever lose it? Honestly? I’m just a teenager. I don’t know all the t know what’s going on in your world or someone else’s world unless it’s my best friend or something. No matter what, there has to be something to improve this loss of feeling.

I drown myself in baking and reading and writing all with some kind of noise in the room. I take long hot showers no matter what it is. I remember good times before something went off for a bit. Everything can’t stay rollercoaster, it may go up and down and all around but it always ends up in the right place.

Prayers for Paris

Friday night.

129.

Paris.

Multiple attacks were planned to go down across Paris. All of which were acted upon. There were shootings, there were explosions. 129 people passed away for no reason whatsoever. Isis, a terrorist group has taken responsibility. What do you say? What CAN you say really? This is a violent attack on every day people.

Is this the world we live in? Where people just attack others without a reason? Where people are demented enough to commit such horrendous crimes. What the fluffy is happening? I don’t care where you come from, I don’t care where you are. The attack may have been based in France but this brings in everyone of us. If you’re human this is an attack on you. I don’t understand why. What on Earth could an innocent do to deserve something like this.

Why does Isis exist? Why can’t we just destroy it? America, Russia, France who now has a personal animosity against them, have impossibly powerful militaries. Put them together and what group could stop them? In fact put every country with a military and their people in mind together and these groups could be eliminated. Wiped off the face of the Earth.

On October 7th 2001, a war on terror was declared. Let me put that into perspective. That is fourteen years, 1 month, and 7 days ago. But…what impact have we made. Osama bin Laden is gone, yes. That was a great achievement. But his organization lives on. What did we really do by taking him out if his legacy is this great beast still looming over us.

No, we have to bicker and argue. Can’t countries just act like best friends? Hate each other for a week on the internet without talking then make up? Honest I can’t deal with this. Put aside the petty disputes and freaking help each other out. Help everyone, not just your own.

END

TERROR

ONCE

AND

FOR

ALL. BY WORKING TOGETHER! This is infuriating. Get along for three years and help everyone on Mother Earth have a better life. Then see if you really want to kill each other. Better yet, let the leaders go on the battlefields and see how willing they are to run into the fight.

Pray for France that they will have retribution and peace. Don’t let them suffer in silence. Remember them. Help them.

Veterns

I know this is late but…I was very emotional. Life got in my way. And I forgot to post when I got home.

People have given their life for you. Do you understand? I mean, men and women go to fight wars for us to make sure we have a good life here. Yet, when they come home, guess what? They’re homeless. Left on the streets with nothing but what they came back with. Criminals get a better life than these veterans. That makes my blood boil over!

Money is poured left and right into prisons to keep these criminals healthy but these veterans are cast aside. No, this is not okay. The reason I bring up the criminals is this paper I had to help my friend/unofficially adopted sister who now lives with me with a report. Well, this was about the death penalty. One of the points was the veterans are being treated as less than a criminal. If this isn’t injustice someone come up to my face and spit in it.

Veterans should be put first. They should be treated with the respect and dignity they rightfully earned. They fought for us but we can’t even give them a warm meal and a soft bed. Fried doughboys this isn’t right!

Veterans

Should

Have

More

Respect

End of story. We should respect these men and women who left their families to fight for us. Who protected our freedom? Who ensured our protection? Who will always be there to fight for you? The soldiers, the veterans, the man who left his wife, the woman who left her parents. They did it for us. So come on! Show them what they deserve. Respect them, give them the necessities of life. Do not let them live off of the streets while bloody criminals live a lavish lifestyle with three meals a day, a guaranteed bed, clothes, a shower, the list goes on. Veterans are not someone you disregarded, uniform or not.

So why is it done? Why are these men and women not given what they need? Why do we stop and allow for such indecencies to happen? This is an outrage.

YO! Presidential wannabes! Treat every day like veterans day. Always do them a service like they once did for you. Get the office, help the downtrodden, and the budget. I can almost guarantee you, if I could go out there and run, if I mentioned saving money, they’d be on board. For the money of it all. Welcome to the age of the corrupt.

We need a Hitler. Not the whole Nazi deal and book burning. No, just someone with absolute power. Before you start yelling about liberates and democracy (which technically we don’t have either way, we’re part of a republic hence, „to the republic for which it stands” [The Pledge of Allegiance]), I have no intentions of this person being evil, no. Someone kind and pure of heart. Let them take the reins and pass the laws that get us out of debt, help our veterans, you know. Things that should  be done but aren’t due to the corruption of the world.

Respect the veterans man.

Coming To Terms

Lately, I’ve been doing this a lot. Coming to terms dealing with a lot of different things. Tonight, I was forced to come to terms with how my parents treat us. It’s like they hit us or yell all the time. No, but each child is given different treatment. Some of it is unfair to me and frankly, makes a lot of emotions build up in my chest.

I mean, I’m more upset than I was with the black lives matter campaign which I will be coming back to soon. Maybe tonight. So when one kid has dark emotions, it can be brushed away due to the parent’s frustration and they can write it off as hormonal. But if a different kid has the same thoughts, suddenly their actions have more validation. They are allowed to do things differently and things another one can’t. Just because they aren’t the other one.

Sorry if that was confusing, bare with me. I’m an angry ball of fluff, death, and shadows today. I mean, shouldn’t all of the children get treated equally as how the others were treated at the same age? I mean, my mom would stare at me like I was insane when I sat outside in the dark. But if a different child in the family does it, it’s fine. Are you kidding me right now? Why are they treated differently? Then the other child is in trouble for wanting answers.

Come on, treat all of your children evenly. Don’t hold one to a different set of standards and rules. Don’t parents sit there and teach their children, play fair? Well, treat your children fairly. And don’t shut them down when they have questions. Maybe this question is very personal and important but guess what, they would never know that because they feel the need to look at a different child. So…adios other kids, this one is worthy of my attention because of so and so.

Not only that, don’t refuse to tell your kids what’s going on. Let them know. Don’t just silence them and put them in a closet.

Perfection

I will admit. I do try and be perfect in school and in my home life. Yes, it’s clear to me perfection is merely a horizon which is unattainable. But some still try. Like me. I want to be perfect in most aspects of my life. Some of them, trust me, I couldn’t care less.

In school, I work very hard, put aside my discontent with my classes and learn the knowledge. So I know all of these things. Then when I say one out loud, apparently it’s a crime. Okay, then stop sending me to school. Quit filling me with knowledge. Stop trying to better our lives with intelligent beings in the world. Turn me stupid. Shouldn’t be hard.

So is being intelligent now a crime? That’s how I see it. My intelligence upsets people. My need to have this knowledge and have a platform for perfection makes me advance and occasionally mature for my age. Some of my friends, they like how I think and how I am. When they comment positively on something I asked them to look over or something they saw about me, I feel so proud of myself for everything I’ve learned and done.

Yet when the perfection most parents ask of you angers them, what do you do? Surely reaching for your own level of perfection is better than stupidity or bad morals. But is that what we’re always told. Maybe it’s just me being told always being smart and a high standard will get you in trouble or chided. After my parents push for it. One of them openly jokes why am I not better than perfect in school with my grades? Are you kidding me right now?

Whatever the reason, I don’t care. Perfection is unachievable. But the steps are here. I’ll reach as high as I want. Then we’ll see if my intelligence is rude or useless. Until then, be smart. Embrace if you want to be a bit of perfectionist in some aspects of life. I’m the same way and proud of myself. Who really cares if someone else don’t like my goals?

If you’re like me then hey, you have a partner reaching for the top. Seriously, perfection isn’t real but it isn’t a crime either way. I would think after all of the shootings and Hillary stuff, they would want better people in the world. Or maybe ignorance is the theme for the generation before.

LIFE

Life is a problem. People around me having their lives jacked up, people in my life messing it up, even if they never mean me any harm or pain. Life is „the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.” Or another way of saying that is „the existence of an individual human being or animal.” Either way, it’s your existence.

Life is everything that happens dealing with a sole person’s existence. Well, in life, drama can’t die. In my little world, I obliterate it. But other than that, life and all its inner workings are here to stay. What I have come to realize in my fourteen years of life is the definitions above aren’t so. Life is a complicated network of millions of details, and other existences morphing into a life you stake as your own. Only it’s not specifically yours. Everyone else manages to get involved.

People hurt your feelings. They break your heart. Make a gesture. Say something. Anything in the world and it throws your world off kilter. And what’s even better, half the time they don’t even know it. They do it assuming either you don’t see or you just don’t care. Then if you saw anything about it, they don’t get it half the time. No, they play it off. But that’s not right. Own up to what you did. Don’t play stupid.

Emotions

Ever been feeling awful? Has anyone ever then told you when you finally confessed, „everyone feels that way. It’s part of growing up.” If so, read on, if not, feel free to stop. People have always told me this. Sure, when I was younger, it was fine to get me to feel better.

Now I’m older and frankly that helps absolutely nothing. So everyone feels this way, why? Is there something I need to do to make it better? See people never tell you these things. They decide to tell you it is a social norm and see how you do. Everyone breaks down, cries, then they just ignore it right? No, I hate this with a fiery burning passion. Let it be social norm, allow people to put a bandage on a gaping wound. Not me. I want to fix the problem, stitch everything back together bit by bit to ensure a job as perfect as possible.

I want to be healed, not babied. I’m a teenager. Let me hurt and don’t you dare tell me it’s normal unless we’re discussing bodily changes, not deep threaded issues. And if I come to you with a problem and find some courage to say it, don’t make me regret it and want to curl up with my safety stuffed animals as opposed to talk to you. If I’m breaking down, don’t even say what’s wrong with you unless you’ve been through my issue and you can fluffy caking help me. If it is irrelevant, don’t bother bringing it up and making me feel worse.

I usually don’t meddle with my own happiness. My first priorities is other’s comfort and happiness (mostly, sometimes I couldn’t care less, those are bad days, I have my moments). If you say you have a problem, forget about my petty problems that make me break down, I’m going to fix you. Assuming I’m not one-hundred percent done with everything.

Let me hurt but try with all your might to do something for me. Help me understand my own jumbled mess on the floor. Afterwards, when you need me, I’m here.

And another thing, if I somehow manifest the courage to tell you the private emotions I hide in my tummy jar (self-explanatory), feel honored. My emotions are mine, not yours, not your Aunt Lucinda’s. They are mine and they are sacred. Respect the emotions privacy and shyness. I won’t prod you unless I feel like you will do something awful to yourself or another if I don’t intervene.

I can’t be the only one done with cover ups. If you see yourself here, hey, know I’m with you. You are never alone in this world. (No matter how much you feel like it,) someone out there has to have a similar issue.

Where did the human go?.

It seems something that always bugs me would be technology and how it manages to be abused while at the same time, doing exactly what it was designed to do. Maybe I could find this world more satisfying if this technology that is so frequently abused in such manners never existed in the first place. They are made to „make life simpler”, a companies way of saying „make people buy something pretty and unnecessary”. Now you may think I’m being a hypocrite seeing how I use some laptop or computer of sorts to type this up and post it.

I use a 2003 Panasonic that has a two hour battery life. It’s bulky and makes some odd sounds at time. Yes, I am entirely hypocritical by using this new shiny expensive laptop. Sue me.

But back to the point, what I mean is, when people use technology at unnecessary hours or for the simplest tasks. All of these websites and such are not helping. All they do are add to the way people may forego the earth and all other humans in general. Maybe this won’t do anything to humans at all. Maybe the majority of the first world who live practically their entire lives on a computer screen at forsaken hours and times will not become effected. No, of course not. All face to face communication will be unaffected, social anxiety will disappear, humans will be more in tune to nature with 700,000,000 apps to teach them!

And I’m a 700 year old monk who lives in Atlantis.

Not to mention, people are becoming lazier by the day. As opposed to looking at a watch, people pull out a phone. With a watch strapped to their wrist. There’s no need to read, let some computer generated voice read it for you. We don’t need schools, only websites.

Yes, the world will prosper with us as its rulers.

In the words of We As Human:

„But isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart
Isn’t it beautiful
oh, isn’t it wonderful
The way we fall apart
It’s magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts

So unpredictable
We’re comfortably miserable
We think we’re invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn’t it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

Isn’t it beautiful
The way we fall apart”

Our downfall will be glorious in a shower of applications and computer chips smaller than molecules. We will fall as graceful as a klutz tripping over stairs with cell phones and watch phones and tablets and computer tablets. Our downfall will be recorded and spread on social media.

Oh wait, social media would have died.

To my endless delight might I add.

Mental Illness

Mental illnesses are some of the worst kind of illnesses. They aren’t physical, they don’t show themselves they way a physical one might. These are within you, rooting themselves in your very being, altering you from the inside out. They can be controlled and treated. The person can seem totally normal. Until they don’t take their medicine or they suddenly have a wild reveling moment.

Now I respect these illnesses but…I know one or two people with mental illnesses. Frankly, every once and I while, I feel someone uses them as an excuse. As if they enjoy having a valid reason for actions lacking in logic. Now don’t twist my words and say I hate people with these illnesses, no. I don’t. But I feel they are being slightly abused.

Someone with an illness like depression calls you a name. You retaliate. They get all defensive and vanish furious, most likely not going to speak to you for a week. I know that seems normal but this is uncalled for. What do those psychologists talk to you about? Are you not taught to control your emotions and try and take control of situation?

If someone has an attention disorder, if they snap their attention, sure makes sense. But when it seems they have control and suddenly snap their attention…it doesn’t make sense. Please don’t think I’m hating on them. This is just how I see it some times and it bugs me. They seem to fake it.

But then again, in our current world, aren’t most things faked and tampered with?

Young Girls

You know, I don’t want young girls to dream of growing up and becoming a Disney princess. No, I want them to dream of growing up and becoming their own kind of queen. No princess here, queens, young beautiful kind queens. They deserve it don’t they?